A Letter From Future Me to Me

Sup, Sugar Tits,

Take a seat. That's right. They're heated. I know how you love having a warm bum.

Nothing much has changed for you. Oh, but you smoke now but don't worry. They got ride of nicotine ages ago. You're smoking kale now. Everyone is. It's totally avant garde, which is French for "meal at a fixed price."

How old are you? You look twenty-three, but we're 55 (don't tell the husband, he thinks we're 37, for the fifth year in a row! Gosh, he can be such a dope sometimes, but he's your dope, and you love him.). Modern medicine has come so far. You don't even have to push babies out anymore. There's now a pill for childbirth that guarantees "one good sneeze is all it takes."

At twenty-nine, you told your husband, "Husband, I have only one wish." To which he responded, "What is it, my love, my everything, my sunset on a stormy beach, my flower dancing in the wind?" (He didn't say any of that, but that's how you remember it.) Then you said, "I will bare you a son if you let me adopt a little girl." Then, he choked on his chicken wing, and you had to perform the Heimlich on him.

"How do you expect to do that?" he asked.

But like I said, there have been many advances to modern medicine. At thirty, you had a little boy. I don't want to ruin the surprise about his name, but I will. Anders Wolfgang III. Your husband protested, but once you showed him your birth canal being held together by a needle and thread, he made his peace with the name. (There have been advances in medicine at this point, but not that many.)

Then, at thirty-three, you adopted a little girl named Piper Finley. She was six. Now you're one big happy family with a fully insured beach house and a regular house.

Yes, your career finally takes off, but you're very hungry until you turn 27, also the same year you get married. You have gone all the places you have wanted to go and seen things you thought you would never see. You're also incredibly good looking, but that's neither here nor there. (Remember to send Jacob a thank you letter for the friends and family discount for the botox because you always forget. You can have your butler set a reminder in your phone. Yes, you have a butler. His name is Felix, and he's marvelous. You'll want to write him a thank you letter as well.)

I will spare you the boring details about how you almost die in a crazy pirate attack while working on a yacht at 25 or how you and your husband get separated on your Honeymoon because of a crazy misunderstanding. (Dangerous thieves confuse you for the Duchess of Landingham and kidnap you! Your husband goes looking for you but gets lost and forms an unlikely friendship with a cowboy named, Sandy Pants, who lost his wife to the fire of 2020. Turns out, he's a private investigator, hired by the Queen herself to protect her daughter against the thieves of Landingham. Their leader? The King's brother, who will stop at nothing for the crown! Which is why he planned to kidnap his niece, Pricilla Davillia Nottingham III, who he mistakes for you! So when Sandy Pants stumbles across your husband, he stays close by. Luckily, you are found just before your plane ride home.) Also, you're going to want to learn Kung Fu if you want the ending to this story to be a happy one, just an FYI.

I won't tell you the story of the missing thumbs (don't worry, you don't lose your thumbs. You'll see.) Nor will I tell you about how you almost lose your husband over a water gun or how hard it is when your parents pass away. Or how your company goes bankrupt and how you have to start over from ground zero. I'm not going to tell you what happens to your sister, and I'm not going to tell you how many times you fail before you succeed. (And trust me, it's a lot.) I'll let you figure those things out for yourself.

Do you think your life is crazy now? Just you wait, you young, naive, girl with naturally tight skin and a booty that won't quit. You'll see. You'll have to pay for those things one day. And when you cry yourself to sleep at night because you think the world has tainted you? HA! You haven't seen anything yet.

Signed,

Future You

P.S. Stick to decaf. Caffeine will lead to your downfall (and the runs).