I Grew Up in a Cult. I think I Can Handle a Monday.

There's a saying in the south, "Bless their heart." You may hear it over froyo with your friend about that one guy in school who still picks his nose in class. Or you may hear it from your mouth when you're talking to your mom about your neighbor that bends over to pull weeds instead of squatting. Or you may hear it at a dinner with family about that one cousin who moved to New York and is probably sucking peen under a bridge or worse… slinging puss in a dimly lit room with no AC.

Or sometimes you're that cousin. And I wish I could tell you my sexual escapades were that interesting, but I'm boring.

You might not hear much to your face. But sometimes, you get a text from your cousin with the latest update of all that's been circulating about you within the family.

I tell people I grew up in a cult...

Because I grew up in a cult. But sometimes it's hard to get people to see this because we didn't wear matching clothes or have matching haircuts.

The church I spent 14 years in was as "normal" as most other southern churches. We had family meals where the men grilled and the women brought dessert and cleaned. I was taught to believe that men would be the head of the household and that women were to submit to their husbands. I drank sweet tea for breakfast and for dinner. This was the world I lived in.

And no, I wasn't Baptist. There's so many sectors of Christianity. I almost get offended when people assume I was raised Southern Baptist. Sure, the Baptist organization IS the biggest denomination in the Bible Belt, so if you're taking a wild guess, statistically, you'd be correct.

BUT! There are more than 45,000 church denominations globally. And the south makes up for 44,999 of those. (You can't hear my tone, but I'm being sarcastic.)

I grew up Pentecostal Free Will Baptist. The simple difference between Pentecostal and Baptist is that Pentecostals believe people can speak in tongues, Baptists don't. I don't speak for all Baptists when I say that, but that's the general denominational difference.

Speaking in tongues, for those who may have never heard of that before, is when the Holy Spirit starts speaking through you in a different, holy language. The Bible specifies that if someone is speaking in tongues, they'll be an interpreter, whether it be the person who spoke in tongues or another church member. I've seen this happen more times than I can count, and honestly, it's pretty fucking wild.

There's other denominations such as, Presbyterian, Methodist, and Lutheran, but I don't know much about these denominations other than they're usually the more progressive ones of the bunch. Then, of course, there's Catholic, but everyone already knows about them. These were the church denominations within my community. There are thousands more.

What Is A Cult?

By Merriam-Webster's definition, a cult is a "great devotion to a person, idea, object, movement, or work." But this isn't specific enough for me because:

How great does the devotion have to be in the group for it to be considered a cult? And what do we consider great devotion?

According to a handout that "compiled information from the International Cultic Studies Association, particularly the article "Characteristics Associated with Cult Groups— Revised" by Dr. Janja Lalich and Dr. Michael D. Langone (2006); a Wikipedia entry on Robert Jay Lifton; and "Common Characteristics of How the Cults Operate" (2009) on the Let Us Reason Ministries website," this is what makes a group a cult:

(Click here to find a link to the handout I am referencing. Everything below is directly quoted from that article.)

"Groups that meet this definition [of a cult] tend to have an escalating negative impact on the lives of followers. These groups exhibit many common characteristics:

1. One charismatic leader is the group's sole authority on truth; only this leader decides or has the right to approve, all policies and practices. 

2. Members are zealous, protective, and unquestioningly committed to the leader. 

3. Members regard the leader's beliefs and practices as truth and law; the leader affirms and enforces this idea. 

4. Questioning, doubt, and dissent are discouraged or punished. 

5. The group's leadership dictates how members should think, act, and feel. Members require the leader's permission to change jobs, date, marry, or have children. The leader tells members where they can live and how to teach and discipline their children. 

6. The group uses public humiliation or punishment, debilitating work, sleep deprivation, or other practices to create group-think and to suppress individualism and doubt. 

7. Criticism or jokes about the leader or group are taken very seriously and likely punished. 

8. The group is elitist, claiming special status for itself, its leaders, and its members. 

9. The leader and members maintain theirs is the only path to truth and salvation."

I was shocked but not surprised to see that this defined my experience with religion. Over the next few weeks, I will detail why and how this list is so accurate for me.

To put it simply for today's post, I think if you consider God before yourself with everything you do, that's great devotion. I'm not saying don't consider God, if you believe in one, before making a big decision. I'm saying if you can't trust yourself because you have to consider the rules of a church leader or God before making every decision, honey, you're in a cult.

I believe cults live on a spectrum. First, there is legalism, where you "put law above gospel." It can look like being isolated from the world and living by a set of strict rules. There is a discouragement or opposition to critical thinking and questions. There is also the harsh judgement of other people who break the rules. You believe "salvation" is earned by following the Bible word for word, without room for error.

Then, there's fundamentalism, where you "believe in a literal interpretation of scripture." It can look like living by a strict set of rules, opposing critical thinking/questions, and judging other people. Or it can look like doing whatever you want and believing your "salvation" comes through believing Jesus died for you. Either way, it comes with an expectation that you will follow a literal interpretation of Biblical teachings about how to live your life/what to believe.

In practice, fundamentalism, isn't supposed to resemble legalism, but sometimes it does. When fundamentalism becomes an excuse for Christians to judge people, like, "Did you hear Brittany got pregnant before getting married?" "Yikes, bless her heart. That's not what God intended," it sticks its toes in legalism. There are different levels of fundamentalism, but it's easy for it to becomes extreme.

The difference between fundamentalism and legalism is this: fundamentalists believe "salvation" is earned by believing in God, not through acts, and legalists believe "salivation" is earned through actions.

These definitions are general, and I believe the religious cult spectrum is broader and more nuanced than this. To be honest, these terms might not be the most specific way to describe the cult I grew up in... But they're the terms I have now that best describe what the cult was like. And for the sake of time, I will keep it at these two simple definitions above.

I didn't grow up in a legalistic cult. I grew up in a fundamentalist cult. In comparison to other fundamentalist cults, it wasn't that strict, and in comparison to legalism, it was college spring break in Miami.

For example, some church people drink. This doesn't make them bad Christians or bad people. However, just because they aren't turned away from Sunday School doesn't mean the teachings of a church don't fall under fundamentalism.

I was taught by the church that getting drunk was a sin and that committing this sin would send me to Hell. This led me to shame people who drank and later shame myself for drinking. Guilting or shaming or someone for how they live their life isn't "technically" the same as excommunicating them from the church and/or family, which could be a consequence under legalism. But it can still have the same effect, so it's just as harmful and hypocritical to Christ's teachings (if you want to get Biblical with it.)

Everyone at the churches I grew up in had a different relationship with God and a different relationship with sin, but the unifying beliefs were the same. Then, there was the indoctrination I experienced within my community and family unit.

When I take all of these elements into consideration, I define "it" as a cult, but the "it" is vague. When I speak of the "it," I'm referring to the all encompassing layers of my indoctrination: from the church, my community, and my family.

Some say it's the cult of "Christianity," but I don't believe all sectors of Christianity are a cult. I believe some Christians are in Christian cults, and I was one of them. Some say the Pentecostal denomination is a cult, but not all Pentecostal churches operate like cults, so I don't think that's specific enough either. It is a cult without a name and one singular earthly leader.

Each pastor has the responsibility of defining the church culture as they see fit. Lots of pastors/priests miss the mark when they preach an interpretation of Jesus that's a white man that believes in law and order, not a Jewish man who opposed suppressive governments, and in doing so, perpetuate religious abuse, along with white supremacy. Other pastors get it right and call out the bigotry within the Christian community and talk about teachings in context without pressuring anyone to think a certain way and encourage everyone to find their truth. The pastor sets the expectations of the church, and in my experience, more often than not, the leader of my church had the final say on how and why I had no option but to believe in God. This has a lot do with the fact that my pastor was my dad. If I chose not to follow Christ's teachings, I'd suffer major consequences forever. This taught me a love based on fear, and it was the only love I understood until I was 19.

The cult I was raised in taught a version of white Jesus that said, "An eye for an eye," justifying war or revenge. A white Jesus that said husbands were the head of household, making women the homemakers, giving them no power. And a white Jesus who didn't believe in systemic racism or gay rights. I believe this interpretation of Jesus is inaccurate, but I'm not sure I claim to be a Christian anymore because of how I was treated by religious institutions.

Even though several current day pastors and church members will agree that racism or misogyny is wrong and go against the Bible, white supremacy and the hatred toward women are woven so deep into the culture of certain sectors of Christianity--not exclusive to the Bible belt--that some people never see that version of Christianity for what it is, bigotry. Not to mention, several Christians are okay with blatant homophobia and justify it using the Bible.

How do you talk to someone who believes they have access to the truth? A truth you don't have without their version of Christ, which automatically makes your thoughts and feelings invalid. You can't talk to that person because they do all the talking.

It's hard to find the most specific word to perfectly describe my nuanced upbringing because the indoctrination didn't start with one person in my lifetime.

It started centuries ago. Maybe I could trace it back to one person. But my understanding thus far is the indoctrination I experienced "absolute truth" started with a group of people who wanted power and used Christianity as a way to exploit that from vulnerable and marginalized groups.

So I don't know what to call "it" other than a cult.

Over the next few months, I will use this platform to talk about my experience growing up in a cult, what convinced me to leave, and what I believe now. I'm learning about my trauma as I go, so when I'm presented with new information in my research, I'll change the way I talk/present specific topics. I will do my best always to correct myself if I get something wrong because I know I'm not going to get it all right on the first or second try, so I hope you understand, and I appreciate your patience. With that being said, you're going to see me changing my mind a lot. It may feel like I'm contradicting myself because I will be, but I will do my best to explain how I've come to new conclusions about certain topics after being presented with new information.

I want to start this conversation here virtually so that anyone who relates knows they're not alone. You have someone you can talk to about this complicated and confusing experience. I hope that if you are confused or want to present me with information, you'll feel free to do so. I will listen. My email is listed below. With permission, I'll share the information here and invite people to talk with me on a podcast I'm currently working on. I want to share my deconstruction journey, but I'm not the only one on it, so I want to invite whoever is reading to join in with me.

If you are a friend and want to talk about this shared experience, shoot me an email. Or, if you know of any resources that you'd like to share that helped you on your deconstruction journey, I'd love to talk with you. You can email me at graceking623@gmail.com. Look for these posts bi-weekly, every Friday. Bye for now. <3