So, Pepsi? Thoughts?

"Do y'all like it better hot or cold? I think I like it better hot, but that's just me. Also, with lemon sometimes. Oh, gosh? Are we rolling?"

--Yes, we're rolling.

"Oh, my bad. Hi, my name is Grace King, and I will be interviewing myself today."

--Grace, where did you grow up?

"Great first question, Grace. For the first ten years of my life I was raised--"

--No, just tell us where you're from.

"Dunn, North Carolina."

--What's your favorite childhood memory?

"We used to have these plastic flamingos in our front yard, and I'd pretend we lived at a zoo or in the wild. We would communicate too. It was a little weird considering I was fifteen, but--."

--What is your favorite TV Show?

"Ooooooo, this one's hard. My all-time favorite is Seinfeld because it formed me as a human being, but I'm obsessed with Ramy and Dave right now. Also Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. It's my favorite of the year and makes my top five, which isn't a complete list yet because I haven't seen enough TV shows."

--If you could go anywhere right now, where?

"Narnia. And then the world the little toaster lived in from that movie I thought was a fever dream."

--The Brave Little Toaster?

"Yes! Such a good movie."

--It really is. I need to rewatch it. Should we watch it tonight?

"Yeah! I can make us some hot chocolate too."

Hey, guys? Can you focus? The Producer interjects.

--Right.

"My bad."

(to Producer)

"You look great today, by the way."

Thanks, she grins and shows off her shirt. I found it at a Thrift Store for five bucks. Then, she straightens up. Now focus!

--What is your biggest fear?

"No transition questions? Right to the big stuff, cool. I guess my biggest fear is twisting my ankle because it always seems to happen at the worst times. Also getting shot or mugged."

"I do have this fantasy though that if I was mugged, the mugger would end up falling in love with me because I'd make a great joke, and they'd be like... 'Oh, wait, that's so funny. I can't mug you. You're too funny.' Then we'd go get coffee together. But I know that wouldn't happen."

--Yeah, that would not happen.

"I know. I know. But who knows?"

--Next question. What's a skill you're working on?

"Jazz piano!!!!!!!"

--What advice would you give yourself as a teenager?

"Don't do it. Whatever you're thinking. Don't do it. Do something else. Also, find a therapist."

--What's your next tattoo going to be?

"I want to get some sort of storybook animal doing something a human would do. I think that's the funniest thing ever."

--Favorite song right now?

"Close to You by Rhianna. I'm going through something."

--Do you want to talk about it?

"No thank you."

--Classic.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

--You can't open up. You wouldn't share your deepest thoughts with me if I threatened to take away your chocolate eating privileges.

"Yeah, I wouldn't because you can't do that."

--You don't think I can make you throw up at the sight of a truffle? I control your nervous system, bitch.

*stares at myself in the mirror*

"I have a question."

--Yes?

"If you're my subconscious, why are we doing this stupid interview? You know everything about me anyway."

--Because I want you to know.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Yeah, you're smart."

--I know. And if you would listen to me, maybe we'd be a little ahead on some projects you've been procrastinating on.

"Are you talking about this blog?"

--Amongst other things.

*death stares myself in the mirror*

"Okay, fine. I'll go journal and do some sit-ups..."

*continues death stare*

"I'll get some laundry detergent too."

*death stare intensifies*

"And I'll start communicating better and set realistic goals! Are you happy now?"

--Thank you!

*Buzzer Goes Off, Lights Go Up, Producer Enters*

We finally got to her, she says.

I look around to find dozens of my past selves in the audience, clapping and cheering me on. My producer kisses me on the cheek.

Was that so hard?

"Oh, I get it. You're my inner critic."

She put it all together, and now we can celebrate with some water. Right? Cause you're gonna drink more water today like we talked about last night? She death grips my arm and stares me down.

I roll my eyes and look over to my subconscious. "Is it just me? Or is she kind of a bitch?"

--Don't worry. We're gonna deal with her later. I've created an obstacle course so complicated, it'll take her weeks to get through it. We're gonna act like we're going to do it together, but when we get there, we're gonna kick her out of the car and keep driving.

But what happens when she makes it out?

--She'll be humble.

"You're fantastic..." I tell my subconscious.

"Kiss me."

--What?

"What?" I look around the room, avoiding eye contact.

"Ooo, can we get a PA to bring me a Diet Pepsi with lemon?"

--You're the PA.

"Right. Right. Right. Cool. Cool. Cool."

Everyone starts walking out of the studio, and the lights go out.

"Guys? I can't see. Why did y'all turn the lights off? You knew I was still in here!"

--Budget cuts.--I hear my subconscious answer.