Do Your Relationships Feel Empty? They Don't Have to (And Neither do You).

I read a book this week called, Born a Crime, by Trevor Noah. Trevor Noah is a comedian from South Africa, and he hosts The Daily Show on Comedy Central. He has three comedy specials on Netflix, his newest being, Son of Patricia. I highly recommend his stand-up and his book, especially his book. It's brilliant.

There were several noteworthy quotes in his book, one of them being about silence. Trevor talks about not seeing his father for ten years. When they reconnected, he wanted to learn about him, and the best way he knew how to do that was by asking him questions. However, Trevor's dad felt as if he was being interviewed. So he asked Trevor why he was asking so many questions, which was when Trevor realized this:

"Relationships are built in the silences."

This may be one of the most beautiful sentences I've ever read.

I know a lot of people who like to fill empty space with words that make no sense. They come across as immature, insecure, or both. Most people have found the happy medium, scared of silence but know when to be silent. I'm in college, so the hope is that we've all figured that out, but that doesn't mean anyone is comfortable with silence.

If you have a best friend or lover, then you know what it's like to be silent with someone and be okay with it. It's kind of therapeutic to not feel the need to fill the empty space with gossip or repetitive conversation. It makes the relationship full because if you can be silent with someone, you really know them.

I don't have a ten step process that you can follow in order to become comfortable with silence. I can tell you what worked for me, but everyone is different. The point is, silence is important, and it's not something to fear. When there's a lull in conversation, try resting in it instead of forcing something new or saying what's already been said. Trevor was right, this is where relationships are built.

This is especially true in a relationship with yourself. If you're breathin', you're thinkin'. Unless you somehow have the capability to not think. (That's right, I'm looking at you, James Yarkin. Gas is on the right. Break is on the left. It's not that hard, and now I have no mailbox.)

It's important to take time to ~be silent with yourself~, meaning... I don't know, dare I say it, meditating?

"Oh, Grace. Stop it with your silly hippie nonsense. Meditation is crazy talk. I don't need to do anything like that. I'm a born-again Christian."

Let me stop you right there. God loves when we're quiet. I mean, if you were God, wouldn't you love it? As a college student, don't you love when your roommate stops talking? As a parent, don't you love when your children are quiet? I'm not even a mom yet, and I can't wait for my kids to fall asleep.

And for those who have dissed the practice of meditation and refuse to try it?

You are afraid of yourself.

And I'm going to say this one more time for the people in the BACK.

You are afraid of yourself, afraid of what you will see when you take the time to be alone, and afraid you can't do it.

Which is an issue I will further discuss in another Life Advice post. It's too much to unpack here. You'll have to wait for another installment... Or start meditating, then you'll understand what I mean.

(Also, I hope whoever read this part and knows it's about them feels this IN THEIR CHEST.)

I digress, meditation has helped me in terms of learning how to be silent and comfortable with silence. If you've tried meditation and you feel as if it doesn't work for you, maybe ask yourself if you wanted it to work? Sometimes, we make up our minds about something before we try it and that determines our experience. If you decide you hate chocolate before you try it, when you try it, you will probably hate it. The same goes for meditation or anything in life. Don't decide how you feel about an experience before you experience it.

So, if you haven't tried meditation, give it a wack. There are tons of videos online or apps. I use an app called Aura. If you HAVE tried meditation and it hasn't worked, assess your thinking and try it with an open mind. And if you find that it just isn't your thing, that's okay too.

Meditation alone isn't the cure to the fear of silence. But practicing silence with yourself will help you be comfortable with it in your relationships. Meditation is only a way of practicing that, and you may find that you meditate without realizing it.

Have you ever sat alone in a chair without speaking or looking at your phone? Did you close your eyes and a take a few deeps breaths? That's meditating.

Have you ever gone on a long drive to help clear your head? That can be considered a form of meditation.

Sitting on the toilet and staring at the floor.

Eating dinner alone while looking out the window.

Watching rain fall while knitting a blanket.

These can be forms of meditation.

I'm no doctor. I can't guarantee that silence will fix your relationships, but I can tell you a healthy amount of silence is a step in the right direction to becoming a better version of yourself.

Grace, why is silence so important?

Earlier in this post, I said, "if you can be silent with someone, you really know them." If you can be silent with yourself, that means you really know who you are, and you're not afraid of who you are.

We love to use anything and everything to divert our attention away from whatever is hurting us. And while distractions serve their place, distractions alone can't help us heal. You need both: distractions and silence.

With the practice of silence, you can learn about yourself and learn how to be comfortable with yourself. Only when you are comfortable with who you are will you find deeper and more meaningful relationships.

If you don't take the time to be present with yourself, you're not going to do that with other people. So if you find that your relationships are empty or that you feel empty, take time to be silent with yourself. And maybe try ~meditating~. You have nothing to lose.

I will leave you with these words:

Silence is the sealed footing in the ground to understanding yourself. Loving yourself is the cement foundation. And with those things? You can build a freaking spaceship.