I had a realization this morning eating my cinnamon bagel with cream cheese

I had a realization this morning eating my cinnamon bagel with cream cheese. (Dairy-free, of course. I'm not a monster. That's a lie. It wasn't dairy-free, and I'm paying for it now, but wow, oh wow, those two minutes of taste were pure bliss.)

I started going to therapy during quarantine, but then I stopped going to therapy because I could no longer afford it. So I watched all four seasons of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend in three weeks as a way to supplement the therapy I could no longer afford, woke up to eat a bagel, and had a realization.

EXT. POND - MORNING - FLASHBACK

It's fall, 2017. I've been talking to this kid in my Water Hiking class for six weeks... Mostly about fish and skipping rocks. I taught him how to fish; he taught me how to catch tadpoles with my hands. I learned nothing about his childhood, and we only see each other outside of class once a week, even though we talk every day. And of course, I read that as, "Wow... He's so mysterious! He's funny and blissfully unaware. Wonder what I can do to get his attention?"

And there are two problems with this:

1. He wasn't actually funny.

2. Nothing has changed since 2018, and I have a pattern of falling for people who are emotionally distant.

I realized this while I was watching Definitely, Maybe when Ryan Reynolds was dating Emily, the night before he planned to propose. He was with April, talking about how much he "loved" his girlfriend, even though he cheated on her an hour later. I was like... "Wow, why is this the hottest Ryan Reynolds has ever been to me? Is it because deep down I know he'll never love me--I mean, Emily? And I find that void where love is supposed to go in a relationship familiar." (Side note, great movie.)

Ladies, who's with me? We've all been there. You find emotional stunted people comforting because you're not dealing with your own issues. Them being distant means you can be distant, which means neither of you has to put real effort into the relationship, so when it fizzles out, you don't feel like you've lost anything, even though you're upset deep, down because you thought you could trust them. Then, after thinking about it, what you're REALLY upset about is not understanding why you don't let yourself get close to people. But it's because you don't trust yourself, so you don't trust anyone else. Now you're even more confused because why don't you trust your emotions?

***Cue theme music*** (There's a theme song going on in my head right now that too closely resembles Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy that for legal reasons, I cannot sing. But you can imagine it. Also, I'm dancing on stage around all the ghosts of men I've k*ssed and killing them one by one with a magic perfume I was given by the fairy godmother from Shrek™.)

FADE IN:

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

SUPER: October 13, 2020; 8:31 AM

I'm halfway through my bagel when I gasp and watch it fall to the floor. I grab it, stick it in my mouth, then rush to my bedroom and toss my laptop onto my bed. Bagel in mouth, I start typing a letter to myself.

Dear Future Grace,

Right now, you're probably deep throating a cinnamon bagel with strawberry cream cheese telling yourself you're going to work out later, so it's super okay to be eating this many carbs. But just like you're lying to yourself about your carb intake, you're also lying to yourself about the spark you feel with your future crush. I promise you the only reason you find his emotionally distant characteristics charming is because this closely resembles the relationship you had with your parents. You know, the one where you tried to open up, and then they told you not to get emotional? Remember when they couldn't empathize with you because they were told to "get over it" growing up, so they treated you the same way? That's why you don't trust yourself! You didn't know you were allowed to! We can't unpack all of that in a blog post, but for now, know, when you look into a boy's eyes, and you think he's staring into your soul, he's not. He's thinking about how much he hates himself and the cheese he needs to grab on the home... Or the chicken sausage in his pocket... (If he cares enough about his health to have made the switch to chicken sausage yet.) All you're looking into is lies.

Repeat it with me, "You don't like him. You've never had a relationship where you can be honest about your feelings without them being used against you. Hence, anything that feels familiar you mistake for a SPARK. It's not a spark. It's a wildfire. GET OUT! Finish your bagel, and enjoy your morning. Oh, and don't forget your house key when you leave this time." I know this a very long quote to repeat to yourself, but the more time you spend repeating it, the less time you'll spend thinking about a boy who doesn't own dental floss and thinks Chris Delia was--at any point in his career--a funny person.

Love,

Yourself

P.S. You got some cream cheese on your shirt.

FADE TO BLACK