I Have No Idea What You Do, But I Have 100 Ideas About How You Should Do Your Job.

***Okay, so in this scenario, I'm the CEO of La Croix, and you're my employee.***

HI, I love that sweater. You look really nice today. Did you start a new skincare routine?

You: Well, I started drinking more wa--

Great. Let me start by saying, I love the energy you bring to the team. You're the head of our flavors division, and people are loving Limoncello and Pastèque. But our sales have dropped during quarantine, and we think it's because we need some new, out-of-the-box, flavors to promote.

So, I have some new flavor ideas that we're actually going to need you and your team to perfect by next Friday, or you can kiss your little vacation goodbye.

You: You mean my honeymoon?

You're getting married now? During a pandemic? Shouldn't you be a little more considerate? People are dying. Hahaha Anyway. We really, truly, appreciate all of your hard work.

You: It's actually a stay-cation. We're just gonna have a 90-Day Fiancé marathon--and why am I explaining myself to you?

So here's the list of flavors we need:

1. Pink Starburst (We've already reached out to legal about this one, and Starburst approves. This is going to be the most incredible mash-up since the "That's So Sweet Life of Hannah Montana" episode.)

2. Chocolate Milk (We're trying to expand our demographic to American children.)

3. Warm (The flavor. It will be enjoyed cold.)

4. Fresh Rain

5. A Mother's Love

6. Equal Pay

7. A Summer Day (a.k.a. Peach with a hint of dirt)

8. Clear (Not to be confused with Pure. Two very different concepts.)

9. We're not sure what to call this flavor, but we want it to taste like how watching a Matthew McConaughey rom-com makes you feel.

10. The color Red

11. A Jackson Pollock Painting

12. Hillary Duff's dog's perfume

I know this is short notice for you, but the other CEOS and I brainstormed last night, and once we have an idea rolling, it's like--go, go go!

I want you to know we value you as a person, but we value what you do for us, above anything else. So get out of my office, but please grab a complimentary bag of floss picks on your way out!