My Boyfriend Doesn't Call Me Beautiful

My Boyfriend Doesn't Call Me Beautiful

By

Grace King

Even if it’s wrong, it can feel right.

He could be perfect,

but perfect doesn’t mean perfect for you.

He says whatever he knows will make your day,

but he could never love you that way.

He can hold you like you mean something

And tell you that he cares.

He can play his role,

But that doesn’t mean he’s there.

And It’s hard to know what to do,

when the one you love isn’t right for you.

You need him to meet you halfway.

But he could never love you that way.

Knowing what you want and what you need are separate.

And it takes time to figure out how to want what you need.

Anyone can be funny. Anyone can be smart.

But will he think of you as God’s work of art?

It’s not about feelings.

It’s about what you know inside.

That voice in your heart that won’t let you hide.

You think he’s the one.

So when you smile, why does he look away?

Because he knows

he could never love you that way.

You must remember it’s not you, it’s him.

And there’s nothing wrong with being wrong for each other.

It’s only wrong if you’re wrong to each other.

You can be friends?

Maybe a clean break is for the best,

Leaving behind the things you never confessed.

You don’t have to say it for it be known.

And just because he’s gone doesn’t mean you’re alone.

The part that hurts most is knowing you gave 100 percent

to something that he never meant.

But it’s not his fault.

And it isn’t yours either.

He had a love for something else much deeper.

And you had a love that needed a keeper.

And even though I miss you,

I’d never ask you to stay

Because

I know

You’d never love you that way.

This may be the only thing I've ever written that matters.

My friend, Natalie Starr, read a poem at an open mic Friday that inspired this one. If you want to read her poetry, shoot me an email, and I'll put you in contact with her. I don't know how much she'll share, but she's got a lot of projects on the back burner, so keep an eye out for that name!!!

There's a lot to unpack in this poem, and my first post did all of that. It said everything that needed to be said. But I deleted it because, I am not going to say what I need to say, I'm going to say what I want to say.

In acting class, an acting instructor may ask you "What were you fighting for?" after you've done a bad job in a scene study. (They may also say other things, like, "That was a choice," meaning, you made a choice, but YIKES, what made you choose that?)

The question, "What are you fighting for?" has stuck with me since my sophomore year of college. People rarely say exactly what they mean. Knowing how to say what you want to say is an art form, and it takes practice. Not everyone knows how to do it.

My Communication professor told my class on the first day, "There are no words for feelings. People can't clearly explain how they feel, they can only use the closest words they know to describe that feeling." When you're watching a movie (at least a good movie), you'll find that the dialogue isn't very specific because the characters aren't saying what they feel. Their eyes, their movement, and their choices are saying what they feel, that's why you know what's going on in the movie. They hide their feelings behind words that sound right. Everything you need to know is in the subtext.

And art mirrors reality. So when I have taken time to think about my conversations, I have asked myself:

"What was I fighting for?"

Love, and I find that when I freely give love instead of fighting for it, that is when I get the most in return.

I somehow always find myself on the outside of friend groups or situations. Maybe it's because I'm a writer, and I love listening so I find myself listening more than getting involved with a situation or person. Or maybe it's because, for whatever reason, I never felt like I was enough. That's what I've known since elementary school. I was almost a close enough friend to get invited to sleep overs, almost on Principal's List, almost the winner of the 2007 Basketball Free-Throw-A-Thon. (Haters will tell you that's a lie, but it's not. I used to play basketball everyday with my dad. He won every time.) My life has been a series of "almosts," and all I wanted was acceptance.

But has it been a series of "almosts?" Because on paper, that's not how it looks, but sometimes that's how it feels. And right now, I don't understand where I am or why I'm here. I don't know why I do what I do anymore, and I don't know where I'm going.

And for me, that's a crazy thing to feel because

I feel like I've always known what I've wanted, and now

I'm asking myself,

Is

It

Worth

It?

There are people who can do calculus in their head while juggling chain saws. These people are going to become pharmacists, and I want to make movies? How will that help anyone?

I do know this: I am not alone. I think I felt alone for the first eighteen years of my life, then I learned how to be alone. I've master the art of being alone. Now I am trying to learn how to be a friend. I have found that my relationships are a direct reflection of my insecurities, and I am tired of going through the same thing over and over. (Psychology majors, calm down.)

There are two driving forces that determine human decision making: Fear and Love.

More specifically, the fear of not being loved. Every heart break, every miscommunication, and even anger, stem from fear.

And if we,

as a society,

would stop being so afraid of ourselves and start loving each other,

we would find that

We

Are

Already

ACCEPTED.

I don't know why I'm here, but I know I'm where I need to be.

I don't know where I'm going, but I trust it's in the right direction.

I don't know why I do what I do, but I know my purpose will be revealed to me.

I don't feel empty. I feel free.

I feel loved, even though I'm lost.

I have everything I need.

And in that way, I have everything I want.

Not in the way I want them, but in the way I need them.

And that's life.

So if you're on the journey to finding who you are,

just know, you're never really far.

The meaning of your life can be found right where you stand.

Because the meaning is love and accepting the unplanned.

And if you find that you don't like this season,

Or if you think it has no meaning.

It's okay. You don't have to have answers today.

Choose to love it anyway.